A New Way of Being Me

I have always considered myself independent and pretty much a solo player for most things in my life.  I have found it easier to just do it, be done with it, and then talk about it later.  BUT recently something shifted in me, caused by an experience so foreign, so unknown to my ways, that I hope I never return to these old habits of Being Me.

It began in December, as an internal countdown began.  I intuitively knew that time was running out to finally make a decision about whether or not I should do my own radio show based on my article ROAR! here.  This realization of a decision needing to be made, created in me a sense of insecurity so unknown and unfamiliar to this independent player; I didn’t even know what to do with it, how to deal with it, but I sure knew what to call it – full blown FEAR!  This fear seemed paralyzing and petrifying, making it hard to breathe, dominating my free thoughts, and instead of being a level headed thinker, I had become a moody mess.  Just ask my family.

Well, the advantage of having highly intuitive friends is that they know things about you, when you aren’t yet prepared to say them out loud.  One such friend is Trinity, she is a dear friend and a mentor, and she could sense my fear.  To help me, she began to post quotes and Notes about fear and how to move through it, on her facebook site “Peace Resides Within”. Each day, I took to heart and practice what she posted.  Using them as guidance and counseling to work through my insecurities.   From a distance, Trinity had offered support, quietly typing one meaningful message after another…..  That is until January came.

New Year’s is a time when we state our resolution to be and become a better person.  Yet, I have never been successful with a single pledge made on this eve of new beginnings.  Therefore Trinity waited until the second week of January; at a gathering of women we call ‘The Bodacious Goddess Group’, where she clinked her glass of water with her egg covered knife and declared to the nine of us, “It is time to announce out loud, what our affirmations are for the New Year!”  And she stared right at ME!  Imagine what this did to my fear factor, it went straight to my throat.  I had to swallow hard to keep my breakfast down.

Sensing the pressure directed from Trinity towards me, a woman to my left, Julie, declared she would go first and we would go clockwise around the table (away from me).  Everyone laughed while I let out a huge sigh of relief, and quickly tried to compose myself.  I was being called out of my shell, put under the spot light, and I knew it.  There was no denying that it was time to speak out loud what I had been contemplating for months.  I knew when it would come to my turn that I would not only be asking for support, but I was about to, in front of these women, show my vulnerability.  I knew needed to ask those in this circle of sacred omelets and toast for grace and for courage, to please, please hold sacred space for.

This was a new moment for me.  A moment in time where I knew, if I could speak my truth, talk about my fear, and ask for help, the fear would no longer have such control over me…..  right?  Well almost…….
When you’ve played a certain role for years and finally open your gate and invite vulnerability in, it is as if the universe has you by your ovaries, right where it wants you, and it moves fast, real FAST (and it uses its players wisely).
I had carpooled to the restaurant and home with four friends, Karin, Julie, Terry, and Deanna.  When I pulled into my garage, Karin said, “Before you get out of the car Cinda, I need you to do something.  I need you to pull down your visor, look into the mirror and say to yourself, ‘Yes, I have my own radio show!’
I laughed awkwardly, but did as I was told, and found, as I looked into my eyes that it wasn’t so easy.  I quickly, shut the visor, and said, “You know, I am fine.”

Karin, who was sitting behind me, said, “No, we are not leaving until you say it.  Pull your visor down, look into your eyes and repeat after me, ‘Yes, I have my own radio show!”

Again, I opened my visor, and again I could not speak the words. Looking into my eyes, I could see the fear coming back.  I could also see and feel a building shame, and then embarrassment rising like a cloud over my retinas.  I couldn’t do it.  But before I could protest again, I felt four sets of hands on me as Karin recited and the others followed, with me slowly joining in, as bravery entered my soul, “Yes, I have my own radio show!” 
After five or six times of chanting together, with me finally speaking fully and boldly into my eyes, a clarity of understanding and internal (and eternal) strength set in.  We exited the car and stood in my driveway.  Holding hands in a circle, we yelled to the cloudy skies, “Yes, I have my own radio show!”

Cracked wide open I was, the fear exorcised out of me, ending up on the cement in a pile of useless dust; never to take form again inside of my spirit.  The curse had been broken!

Being an independent player, I have lived a life to avoid situations just like this one, where a group would be witness to my personal and private transformation from hell and back. But “this one”, was the most important “this one” I have ever experienced.  Why, would I have ever EVER wanted to deny myself such love and support and guidance and prayer???

Why, would I have lived such a life of false strength, when really true strength came in that moment of vulnerability? At that moment, we had invited the way of the Divine Feminine into our circle, the trust of true friends, pure intentions, and the presence of sacred ritual – it saved me from myself.
“YES! I have my own radio show!!!”  And the crowd goes wild!

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